$%&^ you, weight gain.

So, from what I hear, most people with FM tend to be chunky. I am convinced half of this is an excuse-we feel like crap, therefore don't exercise, wash, rinse, repeat. Basically, FM leads to the sneaky hate spiral of weight gain. Also, feeling ill=carbloading. Or sugar binging. Pick your poison.

When I started this blog, I weighed about 110. Right now? About 135, maybe MORE. No excuse for the sheer volume of gluten-free desserts consumed to gain 25 lbs in just over a year or so. Let's also give a shout out to our friends, the Cheetos. They certainly had a supporting role in this fiasco, and for that, I'd like to give them the lifetime achievement award for staining my fingers orange.

As much as I'd like to blame FM for my fat rolls, it's too easy. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I'm cranky. I don't have a choice about the pain and fatigue. But I *do* have a choice as to how I react, and what I do and consume each day. Unlike many with FM, I don't have depression. So why the sloth? I'm lazy. Seriously lazy. It's not that hard to go to the gym a few blocks away, or even use the one in my building.

For the next year, my goal is to lose the weight I've gained-at least 15-20 pounds of it. I think that's more than easy over the course of a year.

Also, it's a hell of a lot cheaper than buying a new wardrobe, no?

%$#^ you, lack of sleep

As many of you know, fibro somehow interferes with our ability to sleep recently.

I've spent the majority of my life sleeping poorly. But seriously, this is ridiculous. My latest issue? TERRIBLE nightmares. Honest to god, wake up screaming sort of nightmares. And then? YOU TRY FALLING BACK ASLEEP. I end up curled up around my cat, talking myself off the ledge.

My sleep specialist (which reminds me, I need to blog about that separately-sleep studies + fibro = my own private idaho of HELL) had prescribed Xanax (I break the pills in half) to help me sleep, as I can't tune out the world when I'm asleep.

Here's the thing: take it and you become a zombie. a very hungry zombie. only, in my case, it's all GRRRRRRAAAAAAINNNNNS I want. Honestly, I think I've consumed my weight in brown, red and jasmine rice in the past few days. What gives Xanax? No love for the cheese? or meats? WHY MUST YOU CARBLOAD? The worst part is that you don't care if you get fat (THANKS A LOT XANAX), so you just eat and eat, until you're at near regurgitation level. Then you wait a few minutes and start foraging in the kitchen again, because, you know, THERE MIGHT BE SOME NEW GRAINS THERE. HIDING. UNDER THE SINK. OR WITH THE CAT FOOD.

Ahem. I digress. So, what next? My friend tryptophan? NOPE. Makes the dreams worse, and then I can't fall back asleep, and yet somehow still wake up groggy and slow. Like a sloth, only less amiable.

Nothing, you say? TAKE NOTHING? Oh, yes, NOW THERE'S A PLAN. Take nothing, stay up until 2, fall asleep for an hour and then OMG BEARS ARE EATING MY FEET OFF AND THE CLOWNS ARE CHASING ME. And I have no feet, so, well, it's SCARY. Or my favorite, the horrible dream where your teeth all fall out. Ever had that one? TRUST ME. IS SCARY.

So, we're left with: GGGGGRRRAIINNS zombie, sloth of doom, or HOLY HELL, NOT YOU AGAIN, SLEEP.

Yeahhhhhh. And people wonder why we're all so cranky?

$&%* you, medications for Fibromyalgia

I have to preface this with the fact that I'm biased-drugs do bad things to me. This being said, why do they treat Fibro with anti-depressants? I know, let's take an illness that makes you lethargic, and therefore prone to weight gain, and put you on a drug that will make you tired and gain weight. SOUNDS AWESOME!

Also, the drugs usually leave you foggy-which is a symptom of Fibro for many people-one I've luckiy avoided unless I don't sleep for days on end. So how would you even know if the drug is working, I inquire? I mean, sure, if depression is part of your Fibro lot, I get it, it's a good call. But for the large percentage of us who just manifest with pain, for the most part, FIND SOMETHING ELSE. Screwing with our emotions is a bad, bad call.

Also, going off the drugs? Worse than you'd think. If you've ever seen a TV show where someone goes off of the crack, or something, and has the shakes, and the barfs, and the twitches? YEAAAAAAH. You can get that with these, too, apparently. WHO KNEW?

I was on a drug commonly used to treat seizures. Off-label, it's used for many other things, including migraines (my usage), and in some cases, Fibro. Sure, it cut down on the pain, but it made me nuts, and even seemed to enhance erratic behavior-in my case I bought too much stuff. Like, I'm selling it on eBay too much. I think I'm lucky I'm not prone to being MORE self-destructive, looking at it now.

My thoughts: why is the only drug on the market for Fibro a mental health drug when the illness is not all in our heads? and please, can't we just all spot treat this and get along? why do the doctors look at me like I'm insane when I tell them I think I'm better off right now just exercising (I dance) and eating a very restricted diet until my system stops spazzing?

F You, Fibromyalgia.

Yes, I'm starting another blog, to go along with my food-intolerance blogging spree. This one is focusing on the joys of living with Fibromyalgia (not!)

I'm figuring down the line, I'll drag in a few more people, and have another bloglomerate, so we'll have steadier updates and kvetching, along with news that we find.

Reasons Why I say &%*( You, Fibromyalgia:

1. People assume it's a made up illness, because, you know, it's FUN to pretend to HURT ALL THE DAMN TIME.
2. The symptoms are totally contradictory. Yes, I'm fatigued, but I CAN'T SLEEP.
3. It makes you develop bizarre allergies to things like apricots and lanolin. Which means you can't wear makeup. Or pants.
4. All the drugs used to treat it are depression drugs. See #1. Because, you know, it's all in your head, and if we make you fat, stupid, and tired, you won't care about the pain, because, well, you'll just hate life.
5. When you try to explain it, people get that look in their eye, and SLOOOOOOWLY back away, because they might catch the crazy.
6. Everyone manifests differently, so, you know, they can't really research it very well.
7. Most of the people who have it are LADIES. So, they don't WANT TO RESEARCH IT.
8. Have I mentioned I'm allergic to my PANTS?
9. Many people who have it seem to cry often, and nothing inspires confidence like randomly crying ladies. or men, for that matter.
10. All of us LOOK fine, so it's VERY SCARY for everyone else. How can you be sick when you look so healthy?

So yeah, those are some of the reasons why I raise my glass, and say, %*&$ you, Fibromyalgia.